Notes from a war zone

The kitchen on my floor has become a battle zone. I don't know who the two forces are, but they've made the room a casualty.

The trash hasn't been taken out in weeks. The raw meat juices are starting to leak onto the floor. The hallway reeks of old frying oil and detritus.

The cleaning lady refuses to disinfect the counters because people won't put their stuff away.

There has been so much food stuffed down the drains that the sinks are now kaput.

Next to go should be the stovetops. Sometimes they are left on for hours or even an entire night. I hope this place doesn't catch on fire.

The freezers are full of raw meat without coverings, and the refrigerators hold mostly rotting food.

I'm waiting this out with a stockpile of food and dishes in my room and Febreze for whenever I have to enter the kitchen.

I love shared living.

13 rules for avoiding culture shock

Having moved 5 times within the last 7 years, and with Germany being my third country of residence, I am happy to say that I have once and for all found my way around culture shock. I've realized that this "culture shock" thing is less of a psychological step for moving places and more of an indication that you did not move correctly. But thankfully, now that I've figured it out, I can help you guys avoid it. You're welcome in advance. 

Before you leave:

1. Choose your country wisely. The country you move to should be patriotic, democratic, and not obsessed with soccer. 
2. Once you choose your country, do not research it further. You do not want to get any (wrong) ideas about this new country being better. 
3. Slowly remove yourself from personal communication from your American friends and family. Let snapchats and instagrams replace going out for coffee and FB emoticons replace conversations. The more you do this, the less you will miss people when you are gone. 
4. Pack everything you own. You never know when you are going to need something, and just imagine the culture shock from needing an article you left at home! You should have at least 5 suitcases. Preferably 8.
5. Buy 2 more suitcases and fill them with food, medicine, and toiletries. I recommend stocking up on shampoo, butter popcorn, Tylenol, Easy Mac, things with peanut butter in them, deodorant, and so on. The rule of thumb here is that it is always better to buy an extra suitcase than to forget something.

When you are there:

1. Don't learn the language. When someone doesn't understand English, talk louder and more slowly to them. That should help raise their sub-par IQ to a level that can be of use to you.
2. Don't learn to convert between pounds and kilograms or miles and kilometers. If anyone dares to use metric, they should be the ones to convert it for you.
3. Attribute any differences between the culture there and your home culture to the lower level of civilization found outside the US. You may become accustomed to these differences, but remember: they are never correct. 
4. As a continuation of rule 3, do not make friends with anyone who is not American. Birds of a feather stick together.
5. As a continuation of rule 4, move to an area with mostly expats. Make sure your house/apartment has a food disposal, a dryer, and a real bathroom and not one of those strange little just-toilet rooms. How are those door handles sanitary?
6. Aim to make your daily life as similar to your American life as possible. Turn right on red? Go ahead. Walk across the street when the light isn't green? Be my guest. Whenever anyone tries to tell you that you can't do something, demand to speak to the manager. Follow rule 1 as you air your grievances. 
7. Buy the largest car available in your country. Install subwoofers with a 2-mile radius.
8. Stick to fast food.  I do not recommend restaurants from outside the USA- you never know what you're going to get, and a nasty surprise in your food may very well lead to culture shock. Unfortunately for us, McDonald's is not actually worldwide, but you still have some options. You're going to be eating a lot of chicken. Your choices in this golden arch-less countries are:

• Iceland- Taco Bell and KFC
• Bolivia- Subway
• Ghana- KFC
• Macedonia- Burger King
• Bermuda- KFC
• Zimbabwe- KFC (it got kicked out, but it has returned. You got lucky on that one.)
• North Korea- Nope. Do not move here.

And remember- the key to not missing America is believing that you never actually left. 

You think you're too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you, Walter Cronkite...you aren't

Over the past two weeks, I have realized that this master's degree is going to be difficult. When I applied to this program, I was secretly hoping the "physics" part of the name would be a bit less important than the "climate" part of the name. I don't think that is the case. But I know, I know, I should have expected it.

What I didn't expect is all the linear algebra that is going into this mess. I know physics requires math, but linear algebra? L'Algebra is one of my least favorite subjects of all time. I got myself through it by being excited about never having to use after the final. And now it comes back to haunt me with its tensors and its inner products and its matrices and its proofs.

I wanted to be able to do this after graduation, but sadly that has proved impossible.

What have I gotten myself into?

Culture-shock update, part 3:

1. Mayonnaise. Germans put mayonnaise on everything, I think. Actually, that's not true. If they have to eat something, they either have cheese on it or they put mayo on it. Sometimes both. There are so many times at the Mensa where I see a dish, try it, and realize the cream sauce is not a cream sauce but watered-down mayonnaise. Yesterday I was excited to find ranch dressing at the salad bar, but was it truly ranch? You can answer that for yourself.
2. I think people are convinced that there are health benefits to opening windows and letting in nice, fresh, and often 7 degree C (45 degree F) air about once an hour. I am convinced that there are health benefits to not getting hypothermia. 
3. Understanding German spoken by Germans is difficult. Understanding German spoken by people with neither German nor American accents is the mental equivalent of an all-out sprint: you are ok and have a high level of self-confidence in the first 20 seconds, but then you realize you're exhausted and you still have a conversation to hold.
4. On the flip side, why is it that I can talk to service people and have a decent and understandable conversation, but when I try to speak with someone in my dorm in German (usually about if the internet is working), they just respond with "Bitte? Bitte?" Am I really doing this language thing wrong?